be still my heart. and believe… that even when life is hard and things are tough, that there is hope. and things will get better.

now we live in separate worlds… telling ourselves things that are meant to convince us it is better this way. i’ll never know how much of it was you or how much of it was me. something about all of this made me ready to be vulnerable with you. you gave my life meaning here… even if everything is messed up and broken, i had someone who i saw a future with. someone i thought cared about me.

a few months ago… going through my childhood home, i found a letter that my mom wrote to me in 4th (?) grade. that she was happy and proud of the person i’d become, but she “missed what was.” missed when she was the center of my world.

fast forward to the present. sitting at christina’s grandmother’s funeral… the pastor said that a parent’s job is two-fold… to give their children roots to grow and wings to fly. i feel like i never got my wings.

i’ll grow them myself.

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