here we are… 5 months into 2016. i’m so disappointed in myself for not updating sooner. the silence has been anything but ordinary.
i think i went into 2016 with a dream. i am trying desperately to keep that dream alive. i imagined a home, with windows and light, a place for tiger to watch the birds and for me to host company. an outdoor space for gardening and again…hosting. and the home would be within a community, of beloved friends and family. and a job that provided a balance of support and independence… an opportunity for growth and meaning. an income that would allow for interior decorating and travel and guitar lessons and tap classes.
these things are attainable in both boston and philadelphia. i know this. i could run down the list of pros and cons of each place, but it seems silly to consider degrees of latitude and temperature in a decision so important. so if i can create this for myself, then the rest is just geography.
there is still more work left to do. on myself. on my relationships. there will always be work left to do. the balance between connection and setting boundaries. once again i am reminded of schopenhauer’s porcupines. intimacy, engagement, vulnerability. they are such difficult concepts.
so these are the things are stake in either town…
boston – i have my space, my freedom, my ability to radically compartmentalize. these are both the things that make me happy and the defenses i should be challenging myself to fight against. most days, i feel like i am on vacation. i am away from it all. i have found a sense of peace. also, i’ve dreamed of living here for a long time. it has been nice to see plans come to fruition.
philadelphia – the biggest pull to move to philly comes from a longing to be near people i’ve considered my closest friends and family for a long time. that feeling of not being rootless anymore. of having a plan for the holidays. i see my uncle, some of my closest friends moving forward with their lives and i am not present. and i am moving on with mine, and they are not present. mom will move soon and she misses me. further, i haven’t been to paint nite with reynolds, haven’t seen will’s new house, haven’t met sri’s wife more than a handful of times. sara seems like she wants to get to know me. of course, i was also an anxious mess in philly. at times it was all too real. if i move back, can i take the good and leave the bad?
it is like she said. i know in my heart what the right answer is but i’m worried. about setting limits. holding my own. feeling lonely in a familiar place. starting over. regressing back. making mistakes.