“O, do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men! Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks! Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle. But you shall be a miracle. Every day you shall wonder at yourself, at the richness of life which has come to you by the grace of God.”

didn’t realize it until today, but this week marks the one year anniversary of… a lot. the hurt has been there… a long time. i thought it would be better by now. i thought it would be worse. trying not to relive it and hoping i won’t.

soon kiley will play her first open mic. mine was a year ago this friday. what a whirlwind. how jess cooked me pasta and listened to me play in her living room. then we drove to saxby’s where you spent your time writing your dissertation. the room was sunny and painted yellow. and so began a short-lived tradition of drinking chai tea and water before performing. of introducing songs. of being brave.

that next day… a broken car and my last day at the internship from hell and coming up for air and crying so hard i couldn’t breathe. relief takes many forms, i suppose. you bought a case of beer (only on PA) for your friend’s birthday. then, you broke up with me. relief takes many forms.

the following day i played my first showcase. jubilee. shoreline. brace your heart. i have braced mine many times in the past year.

god i hope kiley’s first go-around goes around more smoothly.

awesome things to be thankful for this week:

– receiving pictures of mom at the shore with carolyn
– playing my first open mic in months, feeling like i still have “it,” and being approached by lots of cool people afterward (including a personal favorite!)
– a mindfulness lecture that may finally have me sold on this whole movement
– a lunch date (that i had to turn down… but you asked!)
– feeling busy and caught up at work
– runninggggg (later today)
– imminent and likely well-attended wine and cheese parties!
– updating the music on my phone and finding a new-ish Guster album that I didn’t know I had
– feeling better physically, eating better (or trying to, anyhow)
– getting my ish together re: songwriting
– being competent at fixing a lock, defogging my windows, and picking out a father’s day card
– sunny days

your inhibitions were always so strong.

then, an email. with a beautiful picture of you by the waves. evidently there is video too, but i don’t need to see it. i can picture you doing cartwheels and running toward the surf and stretching to reach the palm trees. laughing your “unique spontaneous laughter.” i am so happy that your friend could do that for you. so sad that i could not… but regardless, there you were. maybe this illness has a silver lining in the shape of the east coast.

sometimes i feel like i don’t belong at these parties with rooftop decks and kitchen islands. it is not the pottery barn furnishes that separate us, but the privilege. i had become quite comfortable with my identity as an in-debt twenty-something. quite comfortable scoffing at the connections people make between virtues/merit and wealth.

went to bed and the sun was coming up. the rain was coming down. the 5am hour is such a mixed feeling.

it snuck up on me. the anniversary reaction.

this time last year we were lying in bed. it was a sunny morning and i checked my email while you slept. or pretended to sleep. it was towards the end of that period on my life when i knew i had everything but also know i would soon lose a very big part of it.

she wrote about the funeral services and life thereafter. some days she buys fresh produce. has afternoon tea with friends. some days she grieves the loss of him deeply and allows herself to feel “sad, sad, sad.”

life is so goddamn short.

i cried and cried on my pillow. silent tears–you woke long after they were gone. and still, i forgave and admired and needed you.

i didn’t want to feel all those feels again when i saw you one year later.