it’s been quite the hiatus from writing… sometimes it feels like the longer i wait, the more afraid i am of creating an imperfect post. but here I am, breaking the silence.
march was rough. i think that was seasonal depression. it makes me nervous about spending future winters in this place.
things have been… static and after 2014’s roller coaster, part of me is thankful for that. although static, there is tension. there are parades waiting to be rained on and shoes waiting to fall. grandma is in and out of the hospital. my mom continues to decline. i worry about my progress at work. dating someone and actually being invested about how things turn out is both exhilarating and terrifying. you have both intimidated me and amazed me… and now, i am paying attention. i care.
sometimes i really mull over my relationship with my grandma and how similar and dissimilar we are. she also had to care for her mother at a young age. when i spent a summer in stanford, she comforted me by telling me the story about how she moved to colorado for her then husband. she is sweet and empathic and understands what it means to be human. or what it means to be me. or both. i still remember how she always gets ready with a cup of coffee by her side. how jewelry is a mandatory accessory. monopoly games and delicious dinners. i still make her tuna noodle casserole from time to time.
and how two christmases ago, she comforted me while my parents fought out on the lawn. even at 87 years old, she has so much strength and vibrancy. i suppose these are bi-products of a life well lived. i wonder and hope… will i take after her?
tomorrow i attempt to go back to revere beach for the first time in 8 years. the last time i was there my heart was broken. this time i go there alone. the more (solitude) the merrier. and “let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.”
so many things have happened since i last posted. i sold my car… it had been with me through thick and thin. across nj and pennsylvania. through numerous boyfriends and illnesses and career paths and more. it was the car i used to race planes on the road that parallels princeton airport’s runway. it drove me to my first open mic and all the performances thereafter. it drove tiger and me to boston. it drove tiger and me to the animal hospital only a couple months ago. and i cried and cried on the way home… i didn’t think it was possible to love him anymore than i already did. and i was alone in that car at 2am which is possibly the only time the streets of boston are without traffic.
i went to the bahamas. and realized that i cannot keep a friend the way i had wanted to keep them. possibly at all. the disillusion and denial are too thick for me to cut through, even after 6 years of sawing. i am leading him on in ways that are outside my awareness and now the only solution i can think of is to disappear. the more (solitude) the merrier?
my roommate canceled his bday party then became enraged when we had a fun friday night anyway. yes “nobody” was coming to your party. i guess we are nobody. but you can’t tell us you don’t want to celebrate with us and then get mad when we do our own thing. i am not going to sit in my room alone just because turning 26 is difficult for you. deep breath – rant over.
springtime and boston is thawing and i am softening too. it comes with pros and cons. the downside to being compassionate and open is being vulnerable. the downside to taking chances is being scared. my life is a double-sided coin. thrown into a wishing well. at the ends of the earth.