didn’t realize it until today, but this week marks the one year anniversary of… a lot. the hurt has been there… a long time. i thought it would be better by now. i thought it would be worse. trying not to relive it and hoping i won’t.

soon kiley will play her first open mic. mine was a year ago this friday. what a whirlwind. how jess cooked me pasta and listened to me play in her living room. then we drove to saxby’s where you spent your time writing your dissertation. the room was sunny and painted yellow. and so began a short-lived tradition of drinking chai tea and water before performing. of introducing songs. of being brave.

that next day… a broken car and my last day at the internship from hell and coming up for air and crying so hard i couldn’t breathe. relief takes many forms, i suppose. you bought a case of beer (only on PA) for your friend’s birthday. then, you broke up with me. relief takes many forms.

the following day i played my first showcase. jubilee. shoreline. brace your heart. i have braced mine many times in the past year.

god i hope kiley’s first go-around goes around more smoothly.

awesome things to be thankful for this week:

– receiving pictures of mom at the shore with carolyn
– playing my first open mic in months, feeling like i still have “it,” and being approached by lots of cool people afterward (including a personal favorite!)
– a mindfulness lecture that may finally have me sold on this whole movement
– a lunch date (that i had to turn down… but you asked!)
– feeling busy and caught up at work
– runninggggg (later today)
– imminent and likely well-attended wine and cheese parties!
– updating the music on my phone and finding a new-ish Guster album that I didn’t know I had
– feeling better physically, eating better (or trying to, anyhow)
– getting my ish together re: songwriting
– being competent at fixing a lock, defogging my windows, and picking out a father’s day card
– sunny days

your inhibitions were always so strong.

then, an email. with a beautiful picture of you by the waves. evidently there is video too, but i don’t need to see it. i can picture you doing cartwheels and running toward the surf and stretching to reach the palm trees. laughing your “unique spontaneous laughter.” i am so happy that your friend could do that for you. so sad that i could not… but regardless, there you were. maybe this illness has a silver lining in the shape of the east coast.

sometimes i feel like i don’t belong at these parties with rooftop decks and kitchen islands. it is not the pottery barn furnishes that separate us, but the privilege. i had become quite comfortable with my identity as an in-debt twenty-something. quite comfortable scoffing at the connections people make between virtues/merit and wealth.

went to bed and the sun was coming up. the rain was coming down. the 5am hour is such a mixed feeling.

it snuck up on me. the anniversary reaction.

this time last year we were lying in bed. it was a sunny morning and i checked my email while you slept. or pretended to sleep. it was towards the end of that period on my life when i knew i had everything but also know i would soon lose a very big part of it.

she wrote about the funeral services and life thereafter. some days she buys fresh produce. has afternoon tea with friends. some days she grieves the loss of him deeply and allows herself to feel “sad, sad, sad.”

life is so goddamn short.

i cried and cried on my pillow. silent tears–you woke long after they were gone. and still, i forgave and admired and needed you.

i didn’t want to feel all those feels again when i saw you one year later.

it’s been quite the hiatus from writing… sometimes it feels like the longer i wait, the more afraid i am of creating an imperfect post. but here I am, breaking the silence.

march was rough. i think that was seasonal depression. it makes me nervous about spending future winters in this place.

things have been… static and after 2014’s roller coaster, part of me is thankful for that. although static, there is tension. there are parades waiting to be rained on and shoes waiting to fall. grandma is in and out of the hospital. my mom continues to decline. i worry about my progress at work. dating someone and actually being invested about how things turn out is both exhilarating and terrifying. you have both intimidated me and amazed me… and now, i am paying attention. i care.

sometimes i really mull over my relationship with my grandma and how similar and dissimilar we are. she also had to care for her mother at a young age. when i spent a summer in stanford, she comforted me by telling me the story about how she moved to colorado for her then husband. she is sweet and empathic and understands what it means to be human. or what it means to be me. or both. i still remember how she always gets ready with a cup of coffee by her side. how jewelry is a mandatory accessory. monopoly games and delicious dinners. i still make her tuna noodle casserole from time to time.

and how two christmases ago, she comforted me while my parents fought out on the lawn. even at 87 years old, she has so much strength and vibrancy. i suppose these are bi-products of a life well lived. i wonder and hope… will i take after her?

tomorrow i attempt to go back to revere beach for the first time in 8 years. the last time i was there my heart was broken. this time i go there alone. the more (solitude) the merrier. and “let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.” 

so many things have happened since i last posted. i sold my car… it had been with me through thick and thin. across nj and pennsylvania. through numerous boyfriends and illnesses and career paths and more. it was the car i used to race planes on the road that parallels princeton airport’s runway. it drove me to my first open mic and all the performances thereafter. it drove tiger and me to boston. it drove tiger and me to the animal hospital only a couple months ago. and i cried and cried on the way home… i didn’t think it was possible to love him anymore than i already did. and i was alone in that car at 2am which is possibly the only time the streets of boston are without traffic.

i went to the bahamas. and realized that i cannot keep a friend the way i had wanted to keep them. possibly at all. the disillusion and denial are too thick for me to cut through, even after 6 years of sawing. i am leading him on in ways that are outside my awareness and now the only solution i can think of is to disappear. the more (solitude) the merrier?

my roommate canceled his bday party then became enraged when we had a fun friday night anyway. yes “nobody” was coming to your party. i guess we are nobody. but you can’t tell us you don’t want to celebrate with us and then get mad when we do our own thing. i am not going to sit in my room alone just because turning 26 is difficult for you. deep breath – rant over.

springtime and boston is thawing and i am softening too. it comes with pros and cons. the downside to being compassionate and open is being vulnerable. the downside to taking chances is being scared. my life is a double-sided coin. thrown into a wishing well. at the ends of the earth.