be still my heart. and believe… that even when life is hard and things are tough, that there is hope. and things will get better.
now we live in separate worlds… telling ourselves things that are meant to convince us it is better this way. i’ll never know how much of it was you or how much of it was me. something about all of this made me ready to be vulnerable with you. you gave my life meaning here… even if everything is messed up and broken, i had someone who i saw a future with. someone i thought cared about me.
a few months ago… going through my childhood home, i found a letter that my mom wrote to me in 4th (?) grade. that she was happy and proud of the person i’d become, but she “missed what was.” missed when she was the center of my world.
fast forward to the present. sitting at christina’s grandmother’s funeral… the pastor said that a parent’s job is two-fold… to give their children roots to grow and wings to fly. i feel like i never got my wings.
i’ll grow them myself.
“old enough to know what to do
young enough to not follow through
and i won’t tell you that the highway is all that bad
the miles will bring her back to you.”
is today’s promising new job just yet another temporary gig? some days I feel as if I really am “making Pennsylvania my bitch.” others feel like… there are so few opportunities (for a career, a home, happiness…) and i’m not welcome here. of all the people, i wanted to call my mom today and talk to her about it. it was more than just a feeling… it was an impulse. but there is no number to call… i was just as close to her when i was living in boston as i am now. perhaps… i was even closer then. she was living on the same planet then.
the job might very well be a good stepping stone and an opportunity to at least spend the summer in boston. it might be good to be part of a school community. to be working for a public institution during this very… disappointing political time. i am trying to be ok with right now. trying to live in the present. trying to practice gratitude. but i expected today to feel more… permanent? more like settling into something? i know it is the first day and i am impatient. but this feeling of floating–of being rootless–is getting harder and harder to tolerate.
Our souls are not static.
“I can learn to dance
Memorize the turns
To rise up from the ash
I’m gonna have to burn.” -SD
I am resolving to write once a day up until the new year. These next few posts will likely not be masterpieces. But I think I said it best back in May… 2016 has been anything but ordinary.
God, I miss Boston. I miss being true to myself. Prioritizing my career. I miss the architecture and the lakes and my coffee lady. I am such a misfit here. And too poor to even visit my old home.
I have an interview tomorrow. It is either a Christmas miracle or a manifestation of Mercury in retrograde.
The goal here is so much bigger than just finding work. It is… a lesson in being present. And gratitude. And other things that I am still learning about and can’t quite articulate yet… But I think despite the madness and uncertainty, sometimes it’s possible to sit down at a bar with friends and feel comfortable for a moment.
Tomorrow will be my first open mic in 2016. Crazy. “Now there’s an ellipsis where this year’s supposed to end.”
“One single voice makes a deafening sound
You can be anything this time around…
I won’t go quietly this time around” – Guster