conviction (n.) – knowing your heart is in the right place; the pathway to liberation
it’s been quite the hiatus from writing… sometimes it feels like the longer i wait, the more afraid i am of creating an imperfect post. but here I am, breaking the silence.
march was rough. i think that was seasonal depression. it makes me nervous about spending future winters in this place.
things have been… static and after 2014’s roller coaster, part of me is thankful for that. although static, there is tension. there are parades waiting to be rained on and shoes waiting to fall. grandma is in and out of the hospital. my mom continues to decline. i worry about my progress at work. dating someone and actually being invested about how things turn out is both exhilarating and terrifying. you have both intimidated me and amazed me… and now, i am paying attention. i care.
sometimes i really mull over my relationship with my grandma and how similar and dissimilar we are. she also had to care for her mother at a young age. when i spent a summer in stanford, she comforted me by telling me the story about how she moved to colorado for her then husband. she is sweet and empathic and understands what it means to be human. or what it means to be me. or both. i still remember how she always gets ready with a cup of coffee by her side. how jewelry is a mandatory accessory. monopoly games and delicious dinners. i still make her tuna noodle casserole from time to time.
and how two christmases ago, she comforted me while my parents fought out on the lawn. even at 87 years old, she has so much strength and vibrancy. i suppose these are bi-products of a life well lived. i wonder and hope… will i take after her?
tomorrow i attempt to go back to revere beach for the first time in 8 years. the last time i was there my heart was broken. this time i go there alone. the more (solitude) the merrier. and “let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.”
so many things have happened since i last posted. i sold my car… it had been with me through thick and thin. across nj and pennsylvania. through numerous boyfriends and illnesses and career paths and more. it was the car i used to race planes on the road that parallels princeton airport’s runway. it drove me to my first open mic and all the performances thereafter. it drove tiger and me to boston. it drove tiger and me to the animal hospital only a couple months ago. and i cried and cried on the way home… i didn’t think it was possible to love him anymore than i already did. and i was alone in that car at 2am which is possibly the only time the streets of boston are without traffic.
i went to the bahamas. and realized that i cannot keep a friend the way i had wanted to keep them. possibly at all. the disillusion and denial are too thick for me to cut through, even after 6 years of sawing. i am leading him on in ways that are outside my awareness and now the only solution i can think of is to disappear. the more (solitude) the merrier?
my roommate canceled his bday party then became enraged when we had a fun friday night anyway. yes “nobody” was coming to your party. i guess we are nobody. but you can’t tell us you don’t want to celebrate with us and then get mad when we do our own thing. i am not going to sit in my room alone just because turning 26 is difficult for you. deep breath – rant over.
springtime and boston is thawing and i am softening too. it comes with pros and cons. the downside to being compassionate and open is being vulnerable. the downside to taking chances is being scared. my life is a double-sided coin. thrown into a wishing well. at the ends of the earth.
the many highs and lows of today:
– getting my car out of the parking lot successfully
– being at work, feeling like i have my feet under me
– thoughts of joining a bowling league
– dueling banter at work
– matching with another MH worker
– more snow
– MAKING PLANS FOR THE BAHAMAS WITH WILL
– trying to finance said plans
– my car sounding like a snowblower
– making a well-balanced dinner
– the PET scan confirming AD
– picking up Kiley at work after a rough fall
– two craigslist ads and a ton of job apps
– texting with gentlemen
– snuggles with tiger and grey’s
Even after shoveling out my car for over an hour this afternoon, I came find that it was still. stuck.
Stuck like my love life. My own stubbornness. Stuck like i am in a New England winter.
So after a wave of panic and a fit during which I lost my cool, cried a bit, and rallied… I channeled whatever resources I had into moving forward and getting unstuck.
in terms of skills that I possess, getting cars unstuck is evidently not one of them. For someone who is highly educated and living on this earth for 28 years, my skill-set is actually severely limited. Ironically, the only skill set I possess is not really generalizable. I am (again) stuck in a (very wonderful) postdoc (but a postdoc nonetheless) until the licensure committee deems me capable of practicing independently. Meanwhile, I am pigeonholed into a career… finding that my skills for this job are for this job alone, and exclude working as a tutor, therapist, or college instructor.
Anywhoo… My greatest skill set thus far is knowing when to employ other people’s skill sets. asking for help is by no means easy for me, but as a single lady living in a band new city, it is something i am learning to embrace.
I rallied and responded to an ad on Craigslist from someone who was offering a snow removal service. When they didn’t respond within 2 minutes, i had another wave of panic and subsequently had to compose myself a second time. I posted my OWN ad to Craigslist. Since then I’ve received almost ten responses. Way to go, BOSTON! I am so thankful for your help and generosity.
The original person from Craigslist got back to me a little while later–probably 15 minutes real time, 15 years in-my-head time. And I was pushed out by two gentlemen, and a nice parking spot was created for me in no time! It was amazing and relieving.
And so maybe when my nerves calm, I will play a new open mic tonight–my first in Brighton! And tomorrow will seem better. And we will all be one day closer to spring. Cheers to being unstuck.
things to be happy about:
– snow days
– freshly baked choc chip cookies
– sarah donner’s “these things”
– friends episodes with kiley
– time to practice guitar and write
– catching up on Sunday Morning clips
– tiger falling asleep on my computer charger
– having working heat again (and resealed windows)
– picturesque pictures out my bedroom window
– better convos with mom
– painted nails
– late night talks with roomies and sour wine
– new candles
nothing like taking inventory of your life while being single on valentine’s day. the world is a brutally unfair place.
listening to Hey Marseilles and remember the walk I took around the reservoir when I knew something was up. or maybe it was after I found out my dad moved out. now I can’t remember, but something tells me the sentiment of the walk was the same. My intuition is so damn powerful and accurate.
the contact for the job in bucks county was wonderful and wonderfully understanding… it is nice to have that prospect looking down the road. it would be a richer life. but its looming is also a painful reminder of how vapid life here has become. emptiness compounded by weekends spent snowed in… not the best combination.
one day i will write a beautiful tribute to uncertainty and resilience. about growing pains and stagnating pains. but that day is not today.